By Ashley Powell, MSW, LISW-S ·
Disenchanted
I slowly open the door that leads from the garage to the house. It’s dark and cold. I feel a shiver go down my spine as I absorb the empty shell of a house that was once a home. Everything is still in its place. The hutch with my great-grandmother’s teacups, the round kitchen table where we used to gather, and the fireplace next to the big window where I once found solitude. It’s all still there. But it’s different now…. empty. It looks uninhabited and full of cobwebs. As I go
inward, I feel a wave of loneliness. My awareness of this moment quickly is interrupted with a loud sound….the alarm clock!
Ugh. Another dream. I would do anything to stop this dream from occurring repetitively. Ever since my father died, I’ve been having this reoccurring dream of going to my childhood home. In reality, the house itself is alive and well! Since my family moved out, it’s been sold a couple times with different families moving in and creating
their own memories. But in my subconscious, the house has been left as an empty shell that holds memories of what was….and what I wish could have been.
That’s what grief is. It’s the process of coping with the pain of what was, while learning to live in what is, and not in what I wish could be.
There was a time in my life that felt like an endless journey of disenchantment. Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever pulled back the curtain in life and felt disenchanted by what you saw? Maybe it was a job offer that you were really excited about only to later be overworked, fired, or laid off. Maybe there was a friend or family member you highly esteemed; only to later be betrayed or rejected. Maybe you’re a new mom walking through postpartum depression and your entrance into parenthood is not the enchanting fantasy you imagined. Or, perhaps you’ve entered into a season of severe hardship from grief, divorce, or financial pressure. Maybe you’re a child, teenager or even an adult child and your parents are divorcing; so now the foundation of everything your life was built on is cracking and you feel like you’re cracking with it. Life has a way of disenchanting our hopes, dreams, and expectations.
One day in the therapy room I was sitting with a young woman “Traci” recovering from a traumatic circumstance. Traci in many ways feels like she has reached a dead end in her life and her life has now become flooded with pain and confusion. During our session she hesitated and asked if she could share something with me. With much nervousness Traci began to share that she recently had an experience with the Lord that opened her eyes to the deep hurt that others were carrying. Traci then began to share that she felt led to the mission field and wanted to help others find salvation. Interpersonally Traci’s personal life felt like it was falling apart and she was walking through a deep, dark pain she didn’t ask to walk through. But in the midst of her struggle and heartache God began to fan a mighty flame inside of her.
God saw behind the curtain before you did. Trust him to walk you back into light.
As I’m writing this blog the lyrics from Cody Carnes’s song Firm Foundation is playing in the background.
“Rain came, wind blew, my house was built on
you. I’m safe with you, I’m gonna make it through”
How fitting.
Being Brave with You,
Ashley