By Ashley Powell, MSW, LISW-S · 2023-03-20

It's Probably Cancer

“It’s probably Cancer.” These are words I’ve heard more than once. The first time I heard these words I was 18 years old laying in a hospital bed. I had experienced mysterious symptoms for the last two years, resulting in one hospitalization with no explanation. These symptoms would come and go but intense pain eventually brought me back to hospital. This time they found a mass was the source of pain I was experiencing. I clearly remember the doctor standing over my bed with my parents in the room explaining the findings and the plan for surgery to remove the mass. “We need to prepare ourselves for the possibility that it’s probably cancer” is what he clearly yet gently spoke. I remember hearing the words but not truly understanding the weight these words may carry. However, the mass was thankfully benign….not cancer! I would have the surgery, recover, and move forward with life.

Years later I heard these words again but this time, I wasn’t the one laying in the hospital bed. In the middle of the night my family drove to the hospital to be with my father who was being prepped for emergency surgery. Pain brought him into the ER and two masses were soon discovered. What stands out in my memory is a feeling of helplessness. I couldn’t help my dad or reassure my family that everything would be ok. I don’t remember how long the surgery was, but it felt like an eternity. Eventually my entire family crammed into a small room where the surgeon would come to bring us an update. Here the words echoed again “it’s probably cancer.” The pathology test would soon confirm my father had stage 4 cancer. My father’s cancer journey could be a book in itself. But I’ll leave it at this…I’ve never seen anyone fight harder than my dad. He was a true warrior. His outlook on life and “can do attitude” left an impression on me that I will never forget.

It’s funny how experiences change us. Painful and traumatic events generate neural pathways that impact the way we perceive and connect with the world around us. These neural pathways are the way we experience life. It’s like we’re stuck wearing a pair of glasses that negatively alters the way we see and experience the world. Thankfully, God designed our brain with amazing capabilities. Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to change, adapt, and reorganize. We could talk a lot about this, but what I want you to understand is that change is possible. It doesn’t matter how great the trauma or how many painful experiences you have stacked up against you…...healing is possible. This is no easy task, and it certainly doesn’t happen overnight. And although we can’t change what we’ve been through, we can modify the way it impacts us.

After my father passed away, I began having panic attacks. They were intrusive and rather bothersome. I saw fear and panic manifest in my life several ways. One area was suddenly thinking every pain or discomfort was “probably cancer.” After all I had a tumor develop for unknown reasons at 18 years old and I just witnessed my father die of cancer much too young. Negativity became a blanket of comfort I could hide behind. The glass was always half empty. If I expected the worst, I wouldn’t be surprised by it. Experiences change us and they change the way we experience life.

I needed to intervene. I needed to be vulnerable enough with myself to honestly identify how grief and watching my father die was affecting me. I had to explore new ways to self-regulate, develop more adaptive responses, and be in-tune with my thought life. Healing is not static. It is not something we do, check off our list and never touch again. Rather, healing is dynamic. It is continuously moving, evolving, and refining us.

If you’re reading this, perhaps you are being triggered by your own painful experience. Perhaps there is something within you asking for attention and healing. I encourage you to bring your awareness to that part of yourself. Give yourself permission be vulnerable enough with yourself to explore the innermost parts of you. This process is very advantageous to do with a professional counselor.

Healing is always possible.

Being Brave with You,

Ashley

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” -Psalm 34:18